What makes a partner emotionally unavailable?
The partner who is not emotionally available can be in love with you and have a great time. However, it does not put energy into the relationship: you are the one who makes plans, who arranges what you will do, who keeps the line of communication open.
The partner who is not emotionally available keeps his distance. He will get up and leave, he will not ask you to stay the night with him, he will cancel your plans, he will let you wait for your appointment, he will let many days pass from one meeting to the next. Although he does not say it in words, his behavior shows you that he keeps his distance from you, that he is not “given”.
Partner who are not emotionally available:
-They behave selfishly
-They let you do all the work to keep the relationship goingThey keep an emotional distance
-They are not bound
-They are superficial
-They do not respect your time, effort, needs
-They prefer their job or their friends instead of you
-They blame you solely for the problems in your relationship
-They often put conditions on you, such as: “If you do not do the A, know that I will do the B”, resulting in you being blackmailed emotionally.
What is the main problem that arises in the relationship?
The main problem that arises in the relationship is that the two people want completely different things: the woman wants the relationship to end in marriage and family, while the man sees the relationship as something ephemeral, to have a good time and nothing more. But this way the couple starts from a different starting point and their desires prove to be conflicting. The paradox is that these two people have a relationship, but in the end they do not have the relationship that each of them needs, so they both suffer and fight.
What are the types that are usually not emotionally available?
The man who is not emotionally available often has deeper insecurities and low self-esteem, characteristics that he keeps well hidden and often does not even realize that he has them.
He is usually a person with low emotional intelligence and immaturity, although he may be capable and successful at his job at the same time. Lack of emotional intelligence means that he does not understand exactly how he feels, nor does he understand the feelings of others. He has not acquired empathy, the ability to understand how the other person feels, to communicate with him and to trust him.
Also, another characteristic of him is that he is extremely dedicated to his work. So, objectively, he has no time for you or for any serious relationship, except for superficial relationships that do not end in marriage.
Men who are very independent and have structured their lives around work and social life often do not want to change this balance and create a serious relationship that will lead to marriage. Their choice is to have a free lifestyle, which does not fit into a serious relationship.
Where do these difficulties come from?
These difficulties often come from a bad, indifferent, “cold”, or lacking relationship with the mother in childhood or with the father.
Is the fear of commitment more for men or women?
The fear of commitment traditionally concerns men, although recently we see that many women are afraid to commit at a young age or if they are not sure that they have found the right partner.
What is behind the fear of commitment?
A man, but also a woman, is afraid that if he commits to a “serious” relationship he will lose his freedom and control of his life. He is afraid that the woman will command him and that he will somehow fall behind or show his weaknesses. He may also not like the idea of having sex with a partner. To these fears, however, is added a deeper insecurity, the doubt “am I good enough for a serious relationship?”. This insecurity in turn leads to the anxiety of rejection, such as “my girlfriend may find out that I am not as good as she imagines and get up to leave”. Here, of course, we enter deep waters, since these are deeper, unconscious fears, which this man has not sat down to think about completely objectively and clearly. Also, some men are afraid that if a woman comes too close to them, she will discover their flaws and reject them for this reason. These men are anxious about their appearance, but also about what others think of them. There is a common case that a man does not trust women in general, either because he grew up in a family with problems, or because he has been betrayed by an ex. Other men still suffer from “Peter Pan syndrome”, ie they are eternal teenagers, they refuse to grow up and mature and do not behave as befits their age. Therefore, their desire for a serious relationship and marriage is about the same as that of a teenager: to zero!
Are there types of women who are attracted to such men? What psychological gap pushes them into such problematic relationships?
The woman who chooses with men who are not emotionally available is usually attracted to a characteristic of this man, such as his beauty, or his humor, or whatever, without taking into account other characteristics or weaknesses. In short, this woman makes an idealized view of the man in her mind. She falls more in love with the fantasy she has about the man, what she needs, and less with the specific man. Also, a woman who does not know herself well, who carries wounds from her past, tries to find a “savior”, a man who will save her from her problems. Finally, a woman may unconsciously not believe in her personal worth and consider that she does not deserve love and happiness in her life, so she unconsciously constantly makes wrong choices.
But remember that people get stuck in a partner and become obsessed when that person confirms their deepest concerns. Thus, a woman with anxiety and low self-esteem will fall madly in love with someone who reinforces these insecurities, these weak parts of her character.
What are they trying to fix by staying in the relationship?
Women who remain in an apparently deficient relationship are essentially trying to correct themselves, to prove that they are worthy and that they will succeed. And the worse the relationship, the more understanding this woman shows, the more patience she shows and the more tolerant she becomes. The reason is that she believes so little in herself that she considers herself lost and a “nothing” outside the relationship. This woman has low self-esteem and self-confidence. On the other hand, she has idealized the man to such an extent that she does not psychologically see that he is unsuitable for the kind of relationship she wants. However, she insists, because she believes that if she keeps this relationship is the biggest proof that she is worth it.
After all, is there a way to work out a relationship where one is not emotionally available?
Unfortunately, when a person is not emotionally available, when he does not want to go into a serious relationship, the woman can not do many things. The man who is not emotionally available is essentially absent and does not have the desire to have a serious relationship. A visit to the specialist can help when this man finds out for himself that he wants to continue with his girlfriend, but he feels that something is blocking him. Just as you need two partners to dance tango, so you need two members for a relationship to work. But persuasion, threats, coercion and compulsory treatment do not solve the problem. If the emotionally unavailable person recognizes that he or she has difficulty committing, that his or her life is emotionally poor, or that all of his or her relationships are badly broken, and that he or she seeks treatment, it can certainly change.